Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Love is Blind or Mortally Wounding 

                    My love life is falling apart, I fear the end of existence to it. I am overly paranoid in him leaving me so I accuse him of cheating even though he has never done so. I have stooped to make sure he is at work and he always is so then my brain goes automatically to he is finding a way to screw his female boss in the stacks of crates in the warehouse. I am a full time student now and he is a full time employee  even with this we make time for our sex life and this is a good thing but I still have my doubts in his need or want to stray for a change in scenery for lack of a better way to put it I know this is absurd but my highly functioning brain reads in to everything. I could make up all kinds of ways for him to cheat on me. The only time I can say with certainty that he hasn't is the last week when our children have been home and even in this situation I found a way for it to happen. I do not know how to explain it other that it is like my brain is obsessed with sabotaging my love life by making me believe the viscous things it comes up with. My Rational Brain just cannot argue with the logic put in to the situations...  My Anxiety and Depression is through the roof.

                    I was wide awake last night when Mike got home but I set down next to him and my comfort levels went back up and I passed out on his shoulder he did not move until I got up and went to bed even though he was out of his beer. I really was impressed I went to bed without being insecure so much I did have a moment of hesitation but my exhaustion outweighed my need to be by his side. I have become dependent on him for my sole comfort needs and I am afraid that is why I am having the issues with the insecurities and fears of losing him he has become my security blanket.

PS this was wrote about 2 weeks ago and I forgot to post so the newest post is directly under this one

Hard Times and Back to Being SAHM

I have not told anyone what is going on but we nearly got evicted because we have been putting every dime in to keeping me in class and keeping our lights and internet on for me to do classes. so after almost being evicted, almost having our lights cut off, almost losing my truck, almost losing my marriage and my sanity. I have taken a step back from school as hard as it is for me to do this far in to the game but if I do not take a couple semesters off I will lose everything including my family. I had to make an executive decision and I choose my marriage and my children over everything else. I will be working on getting a full time job and getting us our own trailer and a smaller vehicle before I return to school. It breaks my heart to do it as well as it hurt The Husbands pride to allow me to do it as he feels like he has let me down. However, it has strengthened us as a couple and for the first time in over a year we laughed until we cried last night just being silly with each other. I know I have not posted here as I have been severely depressed. Wish me luck as I take this time off.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


Vincent is my Nephew and has overcome a lot. He has Dyslexia which some of you know the State of Alabama does not consider a learning disability, so everything he's earned has been fought for mightily. he's going on to college to major in English/Creative Writing makes our heart swell with pride at all he has overcome! Thank you from the bottom of our heart.

I am asking for help for my nephew to go to college in the fall after getting all the scholarships and grants he was eligible for he is still $8000 short for his first semester in college we are asking that you please share this link as much as possible if you are not financially able to help him out.Vincent is my Nephew and has overcome a lot. He has Dyslexia which some of you know the State of Alabama does not consider a learning disability, so everything he's earned has been fought for mightily. he's going on to college to major in English/Creative Writing makes our heart swell with pride at all he has overcome! Thank you from the bottom of our heart.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Daily grind!!

           Over slept cuz kids were quiet that should have been my first indicator to get up,,,, kids in to crap, house already looks awful then kids get in to crap and I'm left to clean that shit up alone since we all know redneck isn't going to do it so I have been cleaning non-stop since I got up at 11am yes I said that right 11.... Monkey had crawled in the bed with me sometime around 7 and went back to sleep, the big kids got up and got themselves some apples and granola to snack on and watched cartoons when I wasn't up by 9am they went to getting in to shit.          DramaQueen and Demon were sentenced to hell on earth i.e. They were told to clean their rooms or no outside time... DramaQueen quickly passed out on her bed and I took it on myself pulling a full size trash bag of toys and trash out of her room... Taking a break from the 2hour sorting and cleaning I played a little wow, but then eat a little something and went to tackle the boy's room. This in itself took me about an hour and I ended up having to go back through Toybox as Demon thought it would be a good idea just to shove everything in the Toybox... From trash, clothes, and old food to toys and broken toys to stuff he wasn't even supposed to have like my nail clippers that went missing 2 weeks ago... I am currently outside watching my babies play in the yard giggle about everything like they are high... I wish I had half their energy!!        On a side note I would like to say Happy Birthday to my dearly departed daddy Roy P. How I loved you daddy and miss you everyday. Today you would have been 64, next month you will be gone for 10 years.. Really doesn't seem like it's been this long but I guess time just passes fast when life gets in the way!        Life's to short to complain this much but if I don't vent somewhere I will explode... Redneck got up with me today but did nothing but watch tv.. So this has been the life of this condemned housewife goodnight and god bless.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Gamer Brain!

           So my week last week consisted of me staying up till 3 and 4 am playing World Of Warcraft up by 6am to go take son to school and get me to school. I have had such a emotional week. RedNeck has been successfully avoided me most of the week except for the 2 times we tried to have intimate relations, The first time he said his chest hurt and just quit... the second time it was less than 2 min and he was done and I was left like a used rag. He never tries to fix these situations which really leaves me feeling useless.

           I have also been sick with a virus most of the week and hurting like someone is stabbing me all week so I have been feeling like something was killing me on top of feeling utterly useless. I have not done any house work and my house looks awful an occational washing of a load of dishes or clothes and thats it all week. 

             My school work has been being done late, I am caught up on that which has been a nightmare. I have to make a excellent grade on my history paper before so I can at least pass that class.. I bombed my final in there... it doesnt help that he does not lecture and he barely goes over the book ever so how am I supposed to know what is on the test when I have never really seen the information. He says read your book but being a mother of 5 who is in 4 other classes besides his, I do not have time to read anything hardly and when I do have a little time all I wanna do is rest from all the school work. With my emotional feelings taking a tole on me I just don't want to do anything but avoid the world and play my WoW.... More to come later I have to get up and move the baby to the bed Break of Motherhood..........................................................................................................................................
2 hours later... moved Monkey off the floor, went to my room and layed on my bed trying to get something from my room and fell asleep too... wake up 30 min later to a crying Monkey he was hot as it is 80+ degrees here today! Monkey wanted to go outside as the wind was blowing and it was actually cooler outside than in my house... I have just come back inside and well now its time to be useless for a few min. Turned on the A/C which RedNeck would have a fit about where he home. Im going to sit right here on the couch and play my Game because that is all I can think about anymore... How much I just want to avoid life and play my game and let the world rush past me... I know this is not being productive and I should clean my house but I just cannot seem to make myself care about cleaning or anything other than avoiding confrontation this month or next.. my dads birthday and mine being this month and dad and mom's Anniversary of their deaths next month. I just shut down to avoid the pain! Anyways enough of my crappy life off to have some carrot swords with my babies (i.e. whole skinny carrots) then play me some WoW for a while before starting gosh knows what for dinner.. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Pictures and Poems

So mine and my dads birthdays are April 13th, and April 14th and Gamer's is on the 15th but this time of year I always get a little down! so Im going to post some stuff about that this time around.

So this picture if just a real geeky version of the princesses and I love it so I posted it!

And of course Easter is this month so HAPPY EASTER from the coolest easter bunny ever!!!