Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Love is Blind or Mortally Wounding 

                    My love life is falling apart, I fear the end of existence to it. I am overly paranoid in him leaving me so I accuse him of cheating even though he has never done so. I have stooped to make sure he is at work and he always is so then my brain goes automatically to he is finding a way to screw his female boss in the stacks of crates in the warehouse. I am a full time student now and he is a full time employee  even with this we make time for our sex life and this is a good thing but I still have my doubts in his need or want to stray for a change in scenery for lack of a better way to put it I know this is absurd but my highly functioning brain reads in to everything. I could make up all kinds of ways for him to cheat on me. The only time I can say with certainty that he hasn't is the last week when our children have been home and even in this situation I found a way for it to happen. I do not know how to explain it other that it is like my brain is obsessed with sabotaging my love life by making me believe the viscous things it comes up with. My Rational Brain just cannot argue with the logic put in to the situations...  My Anxiety and Depression is through the roof.

                    I was wide awake last night when Mike got home but I set down next to him and my comfort levels went back up and I passed out on his shoulder he did not move until I got up and went to bed even though he was out of his beer. I really was impressed I went to bed without being insecure so much I did have a moment of hesitation but my exhaustion outweighed my need to be by his side. I have become dependent on him for my sole comfort needs and I am afraid that is why I am having the issues with the insecurities and fears of losing him he has become my security blanket.

PS this was wrote about 2 weeks ago and I forgot to post so the newest post is directly under this one

Hard Times and Back to Being SAHM

I have not told anyone what is going on but we nearly got evicted because we have been putting every dime in to keeping me in class and keeping our lights and internet on for me to do classes. so after almost being evicted, almost having our lights cut off, almost losing my truck, almost losing my marriage and my sanity. I have taken a step back from school as hard as it is for me to do this far in to the game but if I do not take a couple semesters off I will lose everything including my family. I had to make an executive decision and I choose my marriage and my children over everything else. I will be working on getting a full time job and getting us our own trailer and a smaller vehicle before I return to school. It breaks my heart to do it as well as it hurt The Husbands pride to allow me to do it as he feels like he has let me down. However, it has strengthened us as a couple and for the first time in over a year we laughed until we cried last night just being silly with each other. I know I have not posted here as I have been severely depressed. Wish me luck as I take this time off.